[Meme] When EPO Staff Claims to be ‘Ill’ or ‘Sick’… During a Pandemic’s European Peak

Posted in Europe, Humour, Patents at 5:00 pm by Dr. Roy Schestowitz

Feeling unwell? Open up the door… or else.

EPO Checking Up on Ill Staff

Summary: Gotta check and verify that those ‘lazy’ EPO examiners aren’t just faking being ill (in order to not meet “production” targets)


There Are Too Many Types of Cars…

Posted in GNU/Linux, Humour at 9:26 pm by Dr. Roy Schestowitz

Any resemblance to the “too many distros” FUD is purely coincidental

A wall with painted letters

Summary: “Choice is malicious,” say the antagonists

TOO many cars
Too many types
Too many spare parts
Say all the stereotypes

Lada company logoWe need a “UNIVERSAL CAR”
One car to rule them all!
The question is which one
And who makes the call

Monoculture is great
Choice is malicious
Why offer options
When they’re so arbitrary and capricious?

A Critic’s Free Software Dictionary by figosdev

Posted in Deception, Free/Libre Software, Humour at 2:26 am by Guest Editorial Team

Work in progress (perpetually)

A jog in nature

Summary: Sarcastic take on often-spoken words in the domain of technology


[edit] Antitrust law

  • A mythical, unicorn-like creature that protects consumers from monopolistic corruption. Last known sighting in 2001.

[edit] ClearlyRedefined

  • FTFY.

[edit] Dark Ages

  • The period in Free Software history beginning sometime around Free Software 9/11. [1] Begins with the Fourth Age of Free Software [2] and is characterised by corporate-instigated Salem-Witch-Trial-like hunting of Free Software luminaries and contributors, often carried out by traitors within organisations.

[edit] Data broker

  • A person or company that sells data mining.[3]

[edit] Data mining

  • The same thing the FBI used to do to Vietnam War protesters, except on a much more colossal scale.[4]

[edit] Exif

  • A technology for turning still photos into surveillance photos.[5]

[edit] Fediverse

  • 1. A collection of Javascript-based tools for slowing down the browser, along with any tasks you want to complete.
  • 2. A branch of theoretical philosophy where admins can simultaneously brag about something being uncensorable and how many users they’ve censored.

[edit] Fitness tracker

  • A flashy and convenient gadget for insurance companies that want to spy on their clientele.[6]

[edit] FL198S

  • Also known as “FLOSS” for “Free/Libre, Open Source Software”. FLOSS wrongly implies that Free/Libre and Open Source are similar, but if Nineteen-Eighty-Source has anything to do with freedom, why does everyone pushing it want to rewrite the dictionary and add telemetry to our software? The answer? It’s not OSS, it’s 198S. If that’s too cumbersome, you can call it FL/BS for short.

[edit] Free/Libre Software

  • The ridiculous notion that you should be able to control the technology you own, rather than the other way around.

[edit] Free Software 9/11

  • Sept. 11 2019, as (possibly) coined by Alexandre Oliva in reference to the Stallman cancellation.

[edit] Free Software Renaissance

  • A theoretical but hoped-for time which ends the Free Software Dark Ages, [7] where users and developers are no longer essentially cheap labour for monopolistic corporations who malign, decapitate and exploit our communities. Dark ages practically imply a following renaissance, but one can’t come too soon.

[edit] FSF

  • The beta version of the Open Source Initiative. Deprecated for showing integrity; fixed and upgraded by IBM and Google in 2019.

[edit] GIAFAM

  • A brand of designer boots that everybody wants to walk all over them.

[edit] GitHub

  • An assisted-living facility where Free Software and Open Source projects can lead active lifestyles before dying.

[edit] GNU Project

  • A joint effort between Richard Stallman, the FSF, IBM and Microsoft to toy with users for nearly 40 years before turning them into unpaid labour for IBM/Microsoft. Untying Stallman might help, the FSF will sell T-shirts instead.

[edit] Inclusion

  • An artificial community substitute, similar to vanillin. Created by deprotonating community guidelines, a process where valued leaders are converted to “free radicals” and catalysts for real progress become neutral.

[edit] Linux

  • Microsoft’s effort to port the UNIX kernel to Finnish. Sometimes people pretend it’s an operating system– it doesn’t even have a bootloader (except LILO).

[edit] Open Invention Network

  • A GitHub for bogus patents.

[edit] Open Source

  • A corporate scam to sell out Free Software to the same monopolies Free Software exists to liberate users from.

[edit] Phone

  • A small computer that can also make phonecalls (but rarely does).[8] Doubles as a wildlife tracker for humans.

[edit] Purchase

  • An event where the For-profit sponsor(s) of a Not-for-profit organisation or project takes control of the latter. See “Antitrust law”[9], “Open Source”[10]

[edit] Scooby-Doo maneuver

  • An acquisition technique that is a favourite among Microsoft execs and writers of Scooby-Doo episodes, where someone hoping to take over a property first makes it look undesirable (by dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away) so that others don’t bid higher, show interest or have competition for the property at all.
  • Also used in haggling: “Oh, this doesn’t look like very good quality, I could get it for a tenth this price somewhere else” except it’s directed towards other potential buyers and the public, rather than the owner.
  • FUD -> sabotage -> cheaper acquisition (could also be called the Nokia Handset maneuver).

[edit] Shell game

  • A ruse for taking someone’s money involving three moving cups and an object, where a scammer uses slight-of-hand to prevent the player from guessing which cup has the object underneath. Based on an elaborate scheme where Richard Stallman is symbolically replaced with Linus Torvalds, before Torvalds is literally replaced with Microsoft. See “Open Source”[11]

[edit] Smartwatch

  • A watch that is smarter than any person who would wear one.

[edit] Shut up and code

  • An extremely disingenuous argument from Open Source, which feigns an apolitical stance then (in a thoroughly narcissistic ploy) demands the same in kind. Code can have a political outcome, but Open Source creates a fallacy around this which dances around the idea that all political problems have technical solutions. It takes the fallacy further by implying or stating that technical solutions are invariably more efficient, and that politics are simply a waste of time.
  • A lot of the time it’s a false dichotomy and straw man, going so far as to imply (or flat out lie, as with Debian’s GR in 2020) that the party they’re addressing hasn’t spent plenty of time and effort creating and offering technical solutions already– only to have terribly bad politics stand in their way.
  • Despite this front, Open Source lobbies, works with lobbyists and P.R. firms, and “talks when it could be coding” with the full weight of the corporate tech press behind it. So when they tell you to shut up and code, not only are they at that very moment doing exactly what they’re telling you not to– they’re basically implying “Let us handle the politics. You just lay down and stop representing yourself.” And they’ve played this bit for two entire decades.

[edit] Stallman, Richard

  • There isn’t anything mean or nasty we can say about him that someone hasn’t been paid to say already.

[edit] Systemd

  • An ostrich-sized egg for cuckolding GNU/Linux in its own nest.

[edit] Tech journalist

  • A full-body disguise that makes marketing droids look like real people.[12]

[edit] Torvalds, Linus

  • Inventor of electronic computing, data strings and binary– all of which he very modestly (and only jokingly) named after himself.

[edit] Web browser

  • A fuel-guzzling SUV that is not only too large for your garage, but larger than your house; which is more or less required to go next door. On the plus side, now everything on Earth is next-door– but on the minus side, at least doing some things actually used to be practical.

[edit] Words to Avoid (or Use with Care)

  • A similar dictionary to this one, except that instead of encouraging people to make their conscious replacements and critique of propaganda, it becomes a requirement in some communities (e.g. Trisquel’s) to adopt someone else’s “GNUspeak” dictionary.


Shut Up and Learn to Maintain an Application Suite

Posted in Free/Libre Software, Google, Humour, Microsoft at 7:53 pm by Guest Editorial Team

Article by YOU Can Call Me “Mr. Developer” Actually, You Can Call Me “SIR Mr. Developer”

Summary: “Try and maintain a complex piece of software like a browser or an office suite, and then you’ll understand.”

Ah, the good old days… People used to complain, and we would tell them to stop snivelling and learn to code.

Now they pretend that even Free Software can do unethical things. Where do they get these ridiculous ideas?

Free Software can’t be unethical. You can always change the code, so PLEASE stop whinging about how it “spies” on you or got your dog pregnant — we seriously don’t care. We are just volunteers.

I know there was this guy — Shopman? Schtolman? Wait, Torvalds! He used to talk about something like this, but seriously, who codes in a bathrobe?

Google Street View logs WiFi networks, Mac addressesYou never hear Greg talking about that kind of nonsense. I mean, he’s too busy coding (and putting on some clothes first.)

But the rest of you, for crying out loud — just because “stuff happens” on your side and we get “data” about it on our side, doesn’t make it “spyware” — we aren’t spies. As I said, we are just volunteers.

You don’t understand ethics because you probably don’t write any code. I mean you say you do, you even showed us your GitHub repo, but you certainly haven’t written any code for us, so we don’t expect you to understand.

I don’t mean anything by it, you know — when I laughed at you on Twitter, I didn’t say you were “crazy” or “stupid”, just LOL. If we can’t laugh, that’s a serious problem. Then again, so is all this (frankly, very uninformed) whinging.

“But the rest of you, for crying out loud — just because “stuff happens” on your side and we get “data” about it on our side, doesn’t make it “spyware” — we aren’t spies. As I said, we are just volunteers.”Sometimes we sell data to Google. It’s not YOUR data, it’s OUR data. We’re the ones who found it. Yes, we wrote code for your browser to send it to us.

You can turn it off, you know. Just go to about:config and click “Yes I’m sure”, then agree to the EULA and email us a letter stating that you understand and agree to proper usage of our trademarks, then click “Show All settings” and add the key “browser.surveillance.telemetry.justkidding.spyonusmaybe” and set it to string value “0x3b338912″ and we won’t send any data in until we think of another way to make you even MORE free.

I don’t think you people get why we do this stuff. It’s all to help us help YOU. And this is the thanks we get!

When we sell the data, we also put that into helping YOU. But first we print it all out and go at your personal information really firmly with a rubber. Your privacy is totally safe!

Didn’t you learn anything when people tried to say that Ubuntu Unity Amazon Lens was spyware? Mark Shuttleworth explained all this, he said that if you trust Canonical with root access then obviously, you’re giving them permission to do whatever — and if you gave them permission, you shouldn’t complain. And that’s what trust is all about!

So really, we aren’t even asking for root access. Just sending some data from your software to our servers which is absolutely and in every way perfectly useless for indicating anything that you’re doing in a way that could you know, somehow “track” what you’re doing. Just think of it as random numbers, alright? Random numbers that aren’t at all important.

“Sometimes we sell data to Google. It’s not YOUR data, it’s OUR data. We’re the ones who found it. Yes, we wrote code for your browser to send it to us.”What I’d like to see is any of you whingers and peons try to maintain your own web browser, alright? I mean, it looks easy, but it’s really hard work! And then a bunch of uppity know-it-alls — sorry, I mean you people start talking about “ethics” like we did something wrong! And they you say we are spying on you! We are a non-profit, Hello? EVERYTHING we do is ethical.

Try and maintain a complex piece of software like a browser or an office suite, and then you’ll understand.

Until then, PLEASE just shut up already, it’s not helping anything. Turn off your computer and go put your tinfoil hats on, but don’t bother us with a bunch of silly nonsense. Come back when you want to contribute some code, or help pay for our time, when you’ve grown up a little.


“Try and maintain a complex piece of software like a browser or an office suite, and then you’ll understand.”Also, by all means, please feel free to copy and share this with your other loser friends who have nothing better to do than complain all the time.

Yours Sincerely,

Fed Up Developer Tired Of All The Whinging

(Sir Fed Up Developer Tired Of All The Whinging, to you.)

Public Domain


[Cartoon] Internal EPO Caricature About the Direction the Office Has Taken

Posted in Europe, Humour, Patents at 5:25 am by Dr. Roy Schestowitz

The malicious EPO gossip

Summary: The “malicious gossip” at the EPO in Munich (Bavaria, Germany)


[Meme] Well-Meaning Censorship, Judging by One’s Own Beliefs

Posted in Humour at 11:22 am by Dr. Roy Schestowitz

Reverend Ivan Stang: When I do this it's moderation and when others do that it's censorship

Summary: The old censorship/moderation debate


Freedom is Not Choice and Choice is Not Freedom (Rights Are Rarely Assured, Either)

Posted in Humour at 9:00 am by Dr. Roy Schestowitz

You Have NO Choice – George Carlin (also see George Carlin on Freedom of Choice)

Summary: George Carlin (1937-2008) said some wise things about how people are led to believe they have freedom because they’re given a few choices and how their rights can be taken away or denied at any time

THE stand-up comedian and popular critic of society came from a family cynical about the state of the country (and its society); he repeatedly spoke about how “choice” (like Apple or Microsoft) is used to distract from actual freedom (not just a freedom to make binary choices). Here is what he said about “rights” (similarly animated) in his later days.

George Carlin is an excellent commentator, putting comedy/humour aside. Like a sit-com artist, he takes actual (real) issues and turns them into catchy skits. In some sense, he was ahead of his time.

Technology Liberates Us… Inside Golden Cages With Golden Chains

Posted in Humour at 8:26 am by Dr. Roy Schestowitz


Technology is marvellous
Endless in scope
Data it can process
More than humans can cope

Pick up your “smart” phone
In case there’s an emergency
The government can rescue you
It can also make calls, you see?

Technology is marvellous
It helps you “like” things
Of course others can see it
So upload things and sing!

“Likes” are the currency of popularity
What’s not to like?
You get two likes immediately
Provided you reciprocate with Jennifer and Ike

All technology is marvellous
More means “smarter”
Mightier, merrier
Sure, it’ll make you happier

Screw real-life relationships
You can make more Facebook friends
One in five of which you’ve met
But that’s not the message it sends

Circuses are marvellous
A show with frightful animals
And then you get some clowns
CIOs and CTOs who champion “clown computing”

Give up all your data
Rewards you shall receive
Loyalty cards track your purchases
Sometimes even your fridge

Cash is so disgusting
It’s for people who beg for change
Display your ID everywhere
Or they’ll put you in a cage

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