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04.01.13

Bill Gates Joins USPTO as Chief Adviser

Posted in Bill Gates, Humour, Patents at 11:30 am by Dr. Roy Schestowitz

Bill Gates
Image from World Economic Forum

Summary: Career monopolist joins the ranks of the US monopoly office, the mighty USPTO

MR. Bill Gates, inventor of the universal PC tax, and co-inventor of seed tax and vaccine tax, has joined the USPTO as its principal advisor, helping to grant more American opportunists an international monopoly on an area of life. Farmers, scientists, and teachers organised to protest outside the USPTO headquarters, but many Ill people were among them too, so there is clearly a pattern here and we should dismiss them as mentally ill.

“We are seeking to discover ways to monetise the consumption of air and water,” explained David Kappos, “but this has proven too controversial.” Mr. Gates with his privatised news sites can help the USPTO utilise newspeak and increase profit for shareholders, he enthusiastically told us. Moreover, he explained, Gates’ friend in the patent licensing industry has already acquired many public patents, especially from national universities. “This can help us assert our God-given right to tax more of mother nature’s resources, citing the wonderful service we do to scientists,” Kappos explained.

President Obama lauded the appointment, stressing that it will help Monsanto feed the hungry investors more rapidly, thus creating more jobs and privatising the remainder of life, putting DNA in the hands of responsible staff with career experience in toxic chemical production and manufacturing of intellectual monopolies.

Bill Gates could not be reached for comment due to his busy schedule, but we were able to receive feedback from his good and honest marketing staff in the Gates Foundation. “In a survey we commissioned last year,” they told us, “a subsection of the population whom we deem better informed told us that Gates’ involvement in the USPTO will help society.”

Bill Gates is still criticised by some bitter theorists, such as the USDOJ, who consider him to be a felon. Clearly to everyone who is normal, jealousy is becoming an epidemic. Either you are jealous or you love Monsanto monopoly. If you do not like Monsanto, then you are a follower of Alex Jones and should seek professional help immediately.

Disclosure: Techrights received a $100,000 donation from the Gates Foundation, but maintains its professional independence.

08.18.11

Parody: Royal Dutch Shell Group Acquires Apple Trademarks for $135 Billion

Posted in Apple, Humour at 5:25 am by Dr. Roy Schestowitz

iLeak

LONDON, England – August 18, 2011 UTC – Royal Dutch Shell Group, an internationality-known Big Polluter (BP), has purchased Apple’s product line of trademarks. Apple, a company that specialises in creating a culture around commodity-but-overpriced products, will complement Royal Dutch Shell Group in the most desired areas.

“Blind faith from the public is always what we sought,” explained Ollie Black, the Chief Executive Officer of Royal Dutch Shell Group. “With the purchase of Apple’s logos and names,” he relented, “people will no longer judge us by our actual behaviour.”

“Royal Dutch Shell is a splendid example of innovation in the field of dilution and shipping,” wrote the CNN hours before the official announcement, which brought 5,000-10,000 people out to the streets of London where they queued up to take a glimpse at Mr. Black signing the deal. “Royal Dutch Shell makes the best oil you can conceivably get,” contented one of the adolescents who queued up for 40 hours, according to a report from the independent magazine, AppleUniverse. In the press conference, Black assured the audience that choice will not be available. The product will be available in one colour, black, and confusion will be eliminated by ensuring there is only one single product for the purpose. The audience reacted enthusiastically with a round of standing ovations. “This is what makes Royal Dutch Shell so brilliant,” explained one of the attendants, miss Bott, only minutes after the ceremony had ended. “This is the brilliance of it, we no longer ever have to choose. Did you see the new logo? Who would have thought of a piece of fruit? I love it!”

“With the purchase of Apple’s logos and names people will no longer judge us by our actual behaviour.”
      –Ollie Black
The acquisition of trademarks from Apple comes only weeks after rumours that Royal Dutch Shell would seek to issue an injunction against BP’s import of “black stuff,” to use the words of Royal Dutch Shell’s Vice President of legal affairs. In an interview with MSNBC, a GE company masquerading as a news avenue, he strongly denied allegations that he had colluded with Exxon to raise the price of oil.

Mr. Black has assured reporters that Royal Dutch Shell will continue with its current practices, which are, to use his words, “magical.” The innovative product of Royal Dutch Shell will continue to be available to the public under its old banner, “Shell”, however reporters are strongly encouraged to refer to the company as Apple. Analysts have re-raised speculations that Royal Dutch Shell might go after Carl Icahn next, forcing him to change his surname or face shutdown. “This is perfectly decent and the right thing for Royal Dutch Shell to do,” explained to us a Royal Dutch Shell fan outside the Black Shop, “because if Mr. Black says Icahn is a trademark violation, then I trust him.”

Critics of the deal allege that it is being used by Royal Dutch Shell to attract gullible and impressionable young men who will pretend that oil spills are beneficial to the environment and that Royal Dutch Shell’s products — even though they come from the very same source as the competition’s — are by merit of their own branding “superior”.

Starting September 5th, Royal Dutch Shell will broadcast and officially launch a new marketing campaign, whose motto will be, “I’m an Apple/Shell, and I’m just oil”.

03.31.11

Microsoft Declares Bankruptcy (Chapter 11)

Posted in Humour, Microsoft at 6:00 pm by Dr. Roy Schestowitz

Eleven

“IT WAS too hard to pretend any longer,” stated Microsoft’s CFO, who only recently replaced another CTO who was paid millions for his silence. “Basically, we have been faking it,” he admitted, “there is not so much money in attaching a tax to machines that could just run GNU/Linux for free.”

Mr. Steve Ballmer announced his resignation following this revelation, publicly announcing using a $300,000,000 marketing campaign that the newly-formed Ballmer Foundation will save hungry children and that everyone who resents him for it wants those children dead.

The fate of the remaining 80,000 or so Microsoft employees were not allowed to be approached for a comment; they have all been gathered in a stadium instead, to be given instuructions on how to help Microsoft outlive its former shell by interjecting themselves strategically into competitors.

And in case it’s not obvious by now, this post is published on April first. ;-)

12.19.10

Rap News 6 – Wikileaks’ Cablegate (as Ogg)

Posted in Humour, Videos at 1:40 pm by Dr. Roy Schestowitz

Summary: Funny video released 2 days ago


Direct link

Credit: TinyOgg

10.19.10

“OMGUbuntu Makes a Dig at Mono?”

Posted in GNU/Linux, Humour, Microsoft, Mono, Novell, OpenSUSE, Patents, Ubuntu at 7:27 am by Dr. Roy Schestowitz

Amazed at Mono

Summary: An interpretation of one bit of apparent humour from the hugely popular OMGUbuntu Web site

OMGUbuntu often endorses Mono-based applications, but all in all, there’s nothing nefarious in the site, which does a great job promoting Ubuntu GNU/Linux and introducing new users to it

OMGUbuntu has just chosen the bait headline “Clementine music player goes mono…” and it doesn’t mean what it may sound like. “Clementine,” Joey says, “the Amarok 1.4 inspired music player – is going mono in its forthcoming release.” That’s not Novell’s Mono at all and the confusion appears to be deliberate. OpenBytes believes that “OMGUbuntu makes a dig at Mono”. To quote:

If you ever find yourself with views which don’t support a Mono advocate, my advice to you would be keep them to yourself, lest you get a vulgar tirade of the “c” word that I did by an advocate of theirs. Whilst a Mono supporter may try to woo you with statements like “haters like to hate” (in order to cheapen any opposition to it) or the best one “they’re killing FOSS!” it seems that the disapproval (or at least concerns about it) are much larger than any Mono supporter would want to acknowledge, afterall Jo Shields wrote a whole article trying to justify it.

Mono has already tainted OpenSUSE (including forbidden parts like Banshee) and although there is not much news from OpenSUSE anymore, there are some nice new stories of deployment in Indonesia for example:

Yogyakarta is one of the tourism destination in Indonesia. The unique Javanise tradition blend with some acculturation from outside culture. Recently I was asked by the Ministry of Communication and Information Technology and Office of Education, Youth and Sport of Yogyakarta to help them to prepare the computer lab for elementary and junior high school in Yogyakarta Province – Indonesia.

Well, this is the tough job. I work with some expert, teacher and education strategist to prepare the e-learning system. We should prepare learning/teaching material in digital format, train the teacher to use authoring tools and operating system, and prepare the schools to be ready to receive the PC’s. This government initiative will involve 500 schools in 3 years. Every school that involve in this program will receive 21 PCs.

It’s important not to make children dependent on applications which depend on Mono. Microsoft (aka SCO 2.0) is trying to exploit that.

“I saw that internally inside Microsoft many times when I was told to stay away from supporting Mono in public. They reserve the right to sue”

Robert Scoble, former Microsoft evangelist

09.25.10

Robocopyright ACTA (as Ogg)

Posted in Humour, Intellectual Monopoly, Videos at 7:38 am by Dr. Roy Schestowitz

Summary: New video from La Quadrature du Net


09.13.10

Weird Video About Apple Bullying, Sweatshops, Antennagate, and Damage Control

Posted in Apple, Humour, Videos at 7:39 pm by Dr. Roy Schestowitz


Direct link

Summary: The video above captures some embarrassing moments of Apple which are fairly recent

AS WE stated about a month ago, July was a terrible month for Apple from a reputation perspective. The video we have just transcoded — even though the language may be a barrier — provides a summary. Here is where we found this video:

An enlightening CNN clip that interviews Jimmy Lai and takes us behind the scenes at Next Media’s Taiwan animation headquarters quotes Washington Post media critic Howard Kurtz huffily declaring that if this is the future of journalism, he wants no part of it. I can see his point. Lai is out to make money by syndicating his animations far and wide, Associated Press-style. But while the Steve Jobs clip does a decent job of covering a spring and summer’s worth of Apple news — stolen iPhone prototypes, suicidal Chinese workers — it certainly doesn’t fit under what we used to think of as “news.” Steve Jobs isn’t actually Darth Vader.

“I hasten to add,” said the person who brought this to our attention, “I found the last story bizarre rather than useful or well argued but sometimes bizarre is enough.”

09.07.10

“Q: Why is it written in Mono/C#? A: Because I hate freedom.”

Posted in Humour, Microsoft, Mono, Novell, Ubuntu at 5:45 pm by Dr. Roy Schestowitz

Gorillas at play

Summary: SparkleShare is Mono (and proud of it), Ubuntu still under threat of having Banshee spread throughout the project, putting in it code which Microsoft explicitly stated is a patent problem

Yesterday we linked to this post about a “Slick FOSS Alternative to Dropbox”. What we did not know at the time is that it’s Mono based. One reader told us: “[I] Was about to install it, so I first opened the readme file.” The text shown above (in the title) was in it, probably as just a tongue-in-cheek gesture.

Why is it that Mono proponents use humour to escape criticism? Novell’s Jeffrey Stedfast (of the Mono team) is currently linking to humourous viral marketing from Microsoft and the OMG!Mono! folks advertise/promote Banshee in the sense that they call for help testing it. Ubuntu Netbook Edition is intended to have Banshee by default [1, 2, 3] and it would be worrying if the desktop edition followed suit because it’s a lawsuit threat:

Given that Ubuntu aims to replace the default mediaplayer on the Ubuntu Netbook Edition with Banshee, Didier Roche has requested that the proud OMG army unleash their unspeakable powers of mass breakage on the newly promoted Banshee 1.7.5 package in Maverick.

Those who do not understand the legal ramifications (that would be the majority) may need the advice of others.

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