Summary: Audi forges a 5-year marketing relationship and mutually-exclusive contract with the European Patent Office, lending its name to the highly credible international body, where quality is unsayably exceptional
APR 1 2016 [for immediate release under embargo until the stated date] — MUNICH: Capitalising on the success of Volkswagen, FTI Consulting, the PR firm of the EPO, has proudly announced the unprecedented launch of a new 5-year advertising campaign in order to improve the already-perfect and eternally-immaculate image of the EPO. “Drive your Audi Home” is the title of this exciting campaign, which will target TV audiences in the Netherlands and Germany. With the memorable motto “you’re the boss” FTI Consulting expects customers to value rapid growth in both morale and confidence.
“Our relationships are excellent.” –EPO officialThis marketing push is part of an ongoing campaign, which may extend to more countries across Europe in due course, depending on media demand and dependent on the market perception of the EPO’s fine products. It strives to take advantage of the poor demand for Volkswagen vehicles, which despite fantastic figures and low emissions (as confirmed by the International Automobile Magazine, IAM) has not managed to gain a foothold anywhere outside of Germany.
In a prepared statement, said an unnamed EPO official, “the new campaign fills a void and will further enhance the image of the EPO.” Commenting on the substance of the the motto, the official explained: “There has never been a better time to buy an Audi. Our relationships are excellent. Our performance is at an all-time high. You can drive your Audi like a boss to any place in Europe, as far as France to the West and Croatia to the East.” █
Postscript: this is satire, in case it’s not obvious.
Summary: Some more jokes about the European Patent Office (EPO), whose management has become somewhat of a laughing stock, berated or scolded both from from within and from the outside
THIS afternoon we reverted back to humour (best medicine) regarding the EPO, even though we’re dealing with very serious matters here, such as people’s jobs/careers if not people’s lives and the fate of Europe’s economy/autonomy.
Over here we’re in a rather playful mood ahead of the long break. The other day we went to the German market in Town (very warm Christmas this year), bought a copy of the rather amusing Private Eye on the way (the EPO is mentioned in it), and today we received this funny E-mail which purports to be Battistelli’s diary. In a holiday kind of spirit we decided to share it here and aptly file it under “Humour”.
A day in the life … (a fictional diary)
Over the past years I have come to realize that, like all great statesmen, I shall one day have to write a full memoir of my life to satisfy my many admirers. Today, however, I have an office to be President of and no time for creating such a work, which would inevitably be a lengthy undertaking, so much have I to pass on to the younger generations. Let me offer solace, therefore, to my adoring followers in the form of this little taster, an amuse gueule so to speak, in which I describe a typical day “at the top”.
Today, for example, my chauffeur collected me at 9 o’clock from home. It’s very nice having a chauffeur, but you do have to be careful about who it is. The first guy they gave me, well, he simply didn’t understand his place. He seemed to think it was all right to ask me not to smoke in the car. “Je m’en fous,” I said, but that didn’t impress him and he whined all the way to the office about it being his place of work and his health that I was endangering. I soon got rid of him. The new chap knows when to keep his mouth shut.
It’s the same in the office. People really must understand when to accept that I am the President and that I do what I like. I had to get them to disable the smoke alarms on the tenth floor of the Isar building because they kept going off every time I needed to light up. If they had disabled the smoke alarms anywhere else, I’d have disciplined them, of course. It is quite fun, in fact, telling the whole staff that rules are there to be obeyed and that everyone has to respect them. Except me, but I don’t mention that. Je m’en fous.
So my first meeting of the day was with Lutz the Klutz. That’s a Jewish word, “Klutz”, it means a clumsy or stupid person. I learned it reading a book of Jewish jokes one time and thought to myself, “Isn’t that apt?” Don’t you just love the Jewish sense of humour? It’s so selfdeprecating. Of course, I deprecate others, not myself. Anyhow, Klutzy came up to my office and we discussed a few finer points of appeals law over a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Klutzy explained to me that in an appeals procedure, two parties present their arguments, and then the board of appeal decides. I said I didn’t approve of that system and we needed to reform it. Surely, we don’t have to waste time listening to all those arguments. We can just decide which side we like and tell them they win. That would save a lot of time and bother, and we wouldn’t have to pay such high salaries for people to learn that complicated legal stuff.
Just before lunch, I had time for a quick meeting with Topic the Terrible. If we still lived in the middle ages, I’d appoint him my Chief Executioner. That sort of thing is not approved of these days. But hey, why not? Je m’en fous, I’m immune. I’ll get him to draft a document for the next Council meeting. They’ll love the idea.
Lunch was a quiet one today. I took it with those nice mothers and fathers in the Investigation Unit. I thought they’d be happy to spend time with someone who appreciated them instead of the criminals they normally have to deal with. Like I wrote to that scumbag Le Borgn’ the other day, they are mothers and fathers and we should have great respect for the sacrifices they make. We were discussing what to do about the Disciplinary Committee if they don’t agree with the Investigation Unit’s findings. I said that was easy – we just discipline them! Hahaha. Je m’en fous, we’ll have to introduce a Disciplinary Committee for the Disciplinary Committee. I shall accuse them of an inhuman attitude to mothers and fathers. In today’s society, with populations in Europe in decline (except the refugees), we should learn to show more deference to parents. And I intend to send a strong signal in that respect. What about the accused, people ask me, they are mothers and fathers too, aren’t they? I agree, but they are low creatures of no worth. How then can their offspring be of any concern to me? The “mothers and fathers” thing was a jolly good idea of mine in that letter to Le Borgn’, but you must understand that it only applies to mothers and fathers who are loyal servants to me.
But there’s me getting all philosophical again, just when I wanted to tell you about my day. In the afternoon, I asked to see the medical file of that malingerer Wimpy Wim. I mean, “van der Eijk” means “of the oak”, surely he must be as strong as an oak. I’m convinced he’s faking it. So I told the Office Medical Advisor to order him back to work. He said I didn’t have any medical justification for doing that. I said, “Je m’en fous” and he went off. Such an obedient chap.
In the afternoon, I had a chat with some guests from epi – now there we have a group of friendly helpful people. Occasionally, they think they’re entitled to an opinion, such as that Jim Boff guy from the UK who even put an opinion in writing and sent it to me. But I cleared that one up fast enough. I explained that opinions are my area of expertise, not theirs. I don’t think we’ll be hearing from Boffy Boy again.1
My final meeting today with with Meany Minnoye – I like him, he’s the only person I know who tries to outnasty me. Elodie outnasties me too, but not through trying. The poor girl, she doesn’t ever realize how nasty she’s being and how many people’s lives she’s destroying. It’s pitiful to watch, and quite fun really. There’s me digressing again. Meany and me decided that we need to cut the pensions for everyone below Vice-President. It’s very important that we make sure there is enough money in the pension scheme to cover our every need in the years to come. When I say “our”, I mean Meany’s and my needs, not everyone’s. No, no, we have to cut everyone else’s pension. It’s the only option for us to be absolutely certain of a financially secure old age for us.
That was it for me for today. I quickly told my secretary to book some first class flights to South Africa for my wife and me. “Hide the price,” I said. One can overdo the “transparency” thing. Then it was back to limo, for the trip home and another cigarette.
C’est moi le Président. Je m’en fous …
_________ 1 Note after a bad day in the Administrative Council: “Hmmm, looks like I was over-optimistic when I wrote my diary. Those pesky people at epi have started having opinions again – see http://ipkitten.blogspot.se/2015/12/rumours-from-ac-and-four-remarkable.html?showComment=1450377145556. I’ll have to work out what to do to stop such misbehaviour. I guess I will suspend the whole of epi! Je m’en fous.”
Tomorrow we shall publish “Battistelli’s Furious Love Affair With French Power: Part V” and there will be nothing funny about it. Later in the week we shall have some more exclusive stories with new material. █
Summary: Downfall of the EPO’s management in the form of a video
THE EPO tackled with an epic “Downfall“. I made this in a rush, so there are some mistakes in the video, some of which corrected in the transcript beneath (in bold fonts). I could re-render with the corrections, but it would take nearly half an hour.
Journalists are stating to write about our illegitimate activities
It has spread from Dutch and German newspapers to French and English ones
We estimate that it’s just a matter of time before we’re widely viewed as the Pariah of Europe
And it won’t be long before officers come to raid our HQ in Munich
Tell FTI Consulting and Control Risks to get this under control
They couldn’t find any legitimate dirt on Els Hardon
They even tried calling her “sniper” but the public isn’t buying it
I thought we had enough scapegoats in that judge, Hardon, Weaver, and Brumme
We’re losing to that “Mafia”
I thought you told the media there was an armed Nazi
Why did you not obey my order to force the board to sack that bloody judge?
Now my own job is at risk
They told me Control Risks has Stasi contacts in Desa
And that they could sniff out the sources to all these bloggers with the I.U.
My goons are just a bunch of incompetent people incapable of understanding the Streisand Effect
Signing that Control Risks contract was the I.U.‘s idea
Now look at all those articles about my horrible track record, I’d never get a job again
How do you think we feel about our own prospects?
Those Control Risks scum are a disgrace and a waste of money
Can’t even do an investigation right
I told them we have no dough on the accused, they need to make shit up
Might as well claim that SUEPO is a violent union with knives and forks
All I wanted was my precious Unitary Patent Court for major applicants
But the European public just keeps finding out I’m totally out of my mind
Now I know what Napoleon felt like when he invaded Russia
Instead of viewing me as an heroic President my staff now compares me to Stalin
I never even got a Ph.D. like they did
All I have is some French diploma of a wannabe
But I tried to offer them a corporate occupation of Europe
Nobody loves me and nobody ever respected me all along
The German people all along knew that I was up to no good
But I still have a plan B
I will cut their pay for each day they protest
I’ll drown in my own blood before they force me to obey German law
Elodie, it’ll be alright
I don’t even know if the Unitary Patent will ever happen
Given all these scandals, nobody will believe a word that I say
Might as well call off the FTI Consulting contract
Europe may keep its autonomy
But guys, don’t fool yourselves. I haven’t given up on sending boards as far as Berlin.
Summary: Career monopolist joins the ranks of the US monopoly office, the mighty USPTO
MR. Bill Gates, inventor of the universal PC tax, and co-inventor of seed tax and vaccine tax, has joined the USPTO as its principal advisor, helping to grant more American opportunists an international monopoly on an area of life. Farmers, scientists, and teachers organised to protest outside the USPTO headquarters, but many Ill people were among them too, so there is clearly a pattern here and we should dismiss them as mentally ill.
“We are seeking to discover ways to monetise the consumption of air and water,” explained David Kappos, “but this has proven too controversial.” Mr. Gates with his privatised news sites can help the USPTO utilise newspeak and increase profit for shareholders, he enthusiastically told us. Moreover, he explained, Gates’ friend in the patent licensing industry has already acquired many public patents, especially from national universities. “This can help us assert our God-given right to tax more of mother nature’s resources, citing the wonderful service we do to scientists,” Kappos explained.
President Obama lauded the appointment, stressing that it will help Monsanto feed the hungry investors more rapidly, thus creating more jobs and privatising the remainder of life, putting DNA in the hands of responsible staff with career experience in toxic chemical production and manufacturing of intellectual monopolies.
Bill Gates could not be reached for comment due to his busy schedule, but we were able to receive feedback from his good and honest marketing staff in the Gates Foundation. “In a survey we commissioned last year,” they told us, “a subsection of the population whom we deem better informed told us that Gates’ involvement in the USPTO will help society.”
Bill Gates is still criticised by some bitter theorists, such as the USDOJ, who consider him to be a felon. Clearly to everyone who is normal, jealousy is becoming an epidemic. Either you are jealous or you love Monsanto monopoly. If you do not like Monsanto, then you are a follower of Alex Jones and should seek professional help immediately.
Disclosure: Techrights received a $100,000 donation from the Gates Foundation, but maintains its professional independence. █
Posted in Apple, Humour at 5:25 am by Dr. Roy Schestowitz
LONDON, England – August 18, 2011 UTC – Royal Dutch Shell Group, an internationality-known Big Polluter (BP), has purchased Apple’s product line of trademarks. Apple, a company that specialises in creating a culture around commodity-but-overpriced products, will complement Royal Dutch Shell Group in the most desired areas.
“Blind faith from the public is always what we sought,” explained Ollie Black, the Chief Executive Officer of Royal Dutch Shell Group. “With the purchase of Apple’s logos and names,” he relented, “people will no longer judge us by our actual behaviour.”
“Royal Dutch Shell is a splendid example of innovation in the field of dilution and shipping,” wrote the CNN hours before the official announcement, which brought 5,000-10,000 people out to the streets of London where they queued up to take a glimpse at Mr. Black signing the deal. “Royal Dutch Shell makes the best oil you can conceivably get,” contented one of the adolescents who queued up for 40 hours, according to a report from the independent magazine, AppleUniverse. In the press conference, Black assured the audience that choice will not be available. The product will be available in one colour, black, and confusion will be eliminated by ensuring there is only one single product for the purpose. The audience reacted enthusiastically with a round of standing ovations. “This is what makes Royal Dutch Shell so brilliant,” explained one of the attendants, miss Bott, only minutes after the ceremony had ended. “This is the brilliance of it, we no longer ever have to choose. Did you see the new logo? Who would have thought of a piece of fruit? I love it!”
“With the purchase of Apple’s logos and names people will no longer judge us by our actual behaviour.” –Ollie BlackThe acquisition of trademarks from Apple comes only weeks after rumours that Royal Dutch Shell would seek to issue an injunction against BP’s import of “black stuff,” to use the words of Royal Dutch Shell’s Vice President of legal affairs. In an interview with MSNBC, a GE company masquerading as a news avenue, he strongly denied allegations that he had colluded with Exxon to raise the price of oil.
Mr. Black has assured reporters that Royal Dutch Shell will continue with its current practices, which are, to use his words, “magical.” The innovative product of Royal Dutch Shell will continue to be available to the public under its old banner, “Shell”, however reporters are strongly encouraged to refer to the company as Apple. Analysts have re-raised speculations that Royal Dutch Shell might go after Carl Icahn next, forcing him to change his surname or face shutdown. “This is perfectly decent and the right thing for Royal Dutch Shell to do,” explained to us a Royal Dutch Shell fan outside the Black Shop, “because if Mr. Black says Icahn is a trademark violation, then I trust him.”
Critics of the deal allege that it is being used by Royal Dutch Shell to attract gullible and impressionable young men who will pretend that oil spills are beneficial to the environment and that Royal Dutch Shell’s products — even though they come from the very same source as the competition’s — are by merit of their own branding “superior”.
Starting September 5th, Royal Dutch Shell will broadcast and officially launch a new marketing campaign, whose motto will be, “I’m an Apple/Shell, and I’m just oil”. █
“IT WAS too hard to pretend any longer,” stated Microsoft’s CFO, who only recently replaced another CTO who was paid millions for his silence. “Basically, we have been faking it,” he admitted, “there is not so much money in attaching a tax to machines that could just run GNU/Linux for free.”
Mr. Steve Ballmer announced his resignation following this revelation, publicly announcing using a $300,000,000 marketing campaign that the newly-formed Ballmer Foundation will save hungry children and that everyone who resents him for it wants those children dead.
The fate of the remaining 80,000 or so Microsoft employees were not allowed to be approached for a comment; they have all been gathered in a stadium instead, to be given instuructions on how to help Microsoft outlive its former shell by interjecting themselves strategically into competitors.
And in case it’s not obvious by now, this post is published on April first. █