Bonum Certa Men Certa

Translating the Lies of António Campinos (EPO)

Summary: António Campinos has read a lousy script full of holes and some of the more notorious EPO talking points; we respond below

THE Benoît Battistelli era did not truly end. Another terrible liar, whose English isn't that good (their native tongue is French), said the above. Our remarks below, preceded by timestamps:

0:06: Yes, Tony, global uncertainty like "tactical" nukes being deployed to Belarus, which you at the EPO funded. When the general public found out that the EPO had worked with and paid Belarus you just started shouting out the "F" word at staff! Like a true grown-up...

0:11: Tell us more about inventors, Tony. What did you invent?

0:17: A "record number of applications" when you openly advertise lenience and expansion of scope, e.g. "Hey Hi" (AI, software patents in new clothing)

0:25: "Up 2.5%" after a year of lockdowns

0:30: I count Europe (a continent) like a country to make it sound good when only 1 in 3 applications in the 'European' Patent Office is in fact European (in origin)

0:35: Growth in requests for monopolies (inside and across Europe) comes from outside Europe, so the 'European' Patent Office is increasingly granting European monopolies to firms that are not European

0:43 I measure "growth" in China in terms of %, year-to-year, because in relative terms (relative to the whole) not many patent applications come from China

0:50: I cannot tell the difference between patents (monopolies) and inventions, but I never invented anything, so I just read this script regardless

1:00: At 50 (not yet!) I celebrate "tremendous growth" when the number of employees is in fact decreasing, as does the calibre

1:11: I compare the present to the early 1970s to make it seem like an incredible growth (national patent offices had existed already and there was no EU)

1:20: I don't say "software patents", I just use some other words

1:30: I say "double-digit growth" when measuring only how many monopolies the EPO granted (lenience, pressure on examiners to meet "quotas" and "targets"), nothing economic and nothing to do with national patent offices, foreign patent offices etc.

1:37: This is 1contradicted by what Campinos said earlier because over time fewer and fewer patent applicants (relative to the whole) are European

1:40: 60% of the top 10 applicants are not European (and about 66% of the applications are not European either)

1:52: "Computer technology" does not sound like "software patents," right?

2:00: I cannot even pronounce "sustainable" (at least I don't say it like I say "focus"; that always, consistently sounds like "fuck yous")

2:10 Now I read out the greenwashing part of the script they gave me because patents save the planet!!

2:50 I've just spent about a minute (20% of the talk) greenwashing, so let's talk about "inclusive"

2:52 Monopolies are about social justice and helping women... or something

3:10 Now I pretend that the EPO is good for SMEs. After all, 80% of the applications come from large international businesses, so let's twist the statistics a little...

3:17: "SMARTER FUTURE"... let's start with some buzzwords now. Wow, "fourth industrial revolution!" Amazing stuff!! Also habitual cover for software patents...

3:32: Yes, "digital technologies" just means software patents

3:37: "Computer technology"... yes, software patents again. Up 11% in one year!

3:48: Inclusive and sustainable. We're back to marketing...

3:53: A patent system that is a) illegal b) unconstitutional c) harmful to Europe d) initiated in violation of several conventions e) damaging to the EU's legitimacy, i.e. a risk to the union

4:00: The "first of June" is in "just a few weeks" (9 is "few")

4:09: First European Patent with "unitary effect" might be one of hundreds of thousands of European Patents that are legally invalid and, once challenged in court, the entire system will simply crash down because it's illegal and was never tested in a high court before

4:20: I keep lying about how a system stacked against SMEs is in fact good for Europe because I'm backed by UPC lobbyists

4:35: I mention "US and China" as role models for Europe even though those are countries, not a collection of dozens of countries with many different cultures, languages etc.

4:39: "Game changer for innovation in Europe" is a lie. It's game changer for litigation in Europe (more lawsuits and bigger lawsuits with vastly higher fees).

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