Dear colleagues,
"Clearly your representatives were so impressed with my plans that they were lost for words."When I look back at the enormous efforts made over the past few years in terms of production under my illustrious and no doubt much loved and admired predecessor and in my own relatively short time in the Office I feel nothing less than admiration and respect for the dedication, skills and hard work of the staff.
I am particularly impressed and grateful for the huge efforts being made by staff across the Office to rise to the challenges presented by the Covid-19 crisis. In particular the sense of duty that so many of you are showing by undertaking ad hoc teleworking under what for many must be far less than ideal conditions is worthy of particular praise.
Now obviously there will be a fair number of people, especially among the examiners, who are worried that they might not achieve their target.
This is not a problem. I am today issuing the instruction to the COOs, to be cascaded down to all managers in DG1, that until something resembling normality is resumed, the byword is “do what you can”. The Office is grateful for that.
"Clearly this will not be the case as I will use the money I am taking from you to dole out big fat bonuses to all those fine people who show their calibre by saying “yes”."I am also issuing the instruction that no-one is to be penalised in any way for failing to meet a particular target.
And as a sign of my gratitude I am giving all staff the day off on 22nd May. This will give you the chance to take a well earned rest and maybe to spend some time calculating how much of a contribution you will in future be making to the Office by means of the salary reform that I have instigated. Clearly your representatives were so impressed with my plans that they were lost for words. At least I didn’t hear or see any comments from them (or at least nothing worth taking any note of as they all seemed to be disagreeing with me).
There have been some concerns that the most important people in the organisation, i.e. me and my cronies, will be affected by this to the same extent as well. Clearly this will not be the case as I will use the money I am taking from you to dole out big fat bonuses to all those fine people who show their calibre by saying “yes”.
Your ever grateful and admiring President ⬆
Note: This is a spoof, designed for the purpose of entertainment only. Any resemblance to any particular person or authority, living, dead or in denial about the reality of the situation many are facing is purely coincidental and unintended.