Summary: The reality of justice with jurors under Team Battistelli’s furor

Summary: The failure of Maas to even bother with regulation of Battistelli (among others) earns him this cartoon

Summary: This is part 5 of a fictional diary from the EPO

November 2016 was looking so good right up to the end. And then came those stupid, stupid judgments from the ILO.

A man of my greatness doesn’t deserve such humiliations. I’ve had a fabulous year. A few morons in the Administrative Council thought they would stand up to me. Well, they soon realised how hopeless their efforts were when all my friends stood shoulder to shoulder with me and pressed the right buttons when it came to the vote. When I say “friends”, I mean it in the political sense, of course. It’s not as though they had any choice. I made it quite clear to them what would happen to their “co-operation” money if they pressed the wrong button.

Once I’d taken care of those hopeless revolutionaries in the Council, I was free to get back to my favourite pastime – bullying staff reps. I’ve made it so easy for myself with all the changes I’ve introduced, almost too easy. It’s like a cat playing with a half-dead mouse. But hey, it’s still fun watching them suffer. I just loved signing that decision to fire Prunier. Not only did I feel a great surge of satisfaction at his pain, but I was also sticking up my middle finger to the clowns in the Council. It was wonderful.

Being unfair to others is part of my nature. It’s a real pleasure to me. Of course, there is nothing like a bit of competition to add some spice and some extra motivation to my evilness. And that is why I like Frankie Boy in Geneva so much. We have a private bet on who can get away with the biggest and most obvious crimes and violations of the rights of others, without getting fired or ending up in jail.

It is not really the challenge, though, that I would like it to be. Firstly, because Frankie foolishly agreed that Lutz the Klutz could be the judge deciding who wins. Secondly, because I am well ahead in the race. Sure, I never ordered to take DNA samples to identify a wrongdoer, and I am a bit jealous that I didn’t think of it first. But, let’s face it, I don’t need scientific gimmicks to catch the scum I want to get rid of. I know myself who’s guilty: the people I dislike. I simply give Elodie their names, she tells the Investigation Unit what they have to do, and they do it. Any kind of garbage is enough, since I am the judge anyway. And – thanks to my immunity – I am clearly a truly independent judge. That gives me the moral authority to explain to the public why the accused is guilty as sin. The public then sees me as a benevolent, loving leader, and admires my leniency in the softness of the punishment I impose.

If it weren’t for Frankie Boy, I’d like to call my system the EPO Kangaroo Court but that would almost sound like I was honouring him and his silly upside-down nationality. Anyhow, whatever you call my clever legal system, thanks to the fact that I can determine myself whether and how to apply the ECHR, all legal requirements are met. That’s at least what I tell my buddy Joff and the Council. They believe everything.

It sometimes happens that Elodie adds a few more names to the list. As in the case of Weaver and Brumme. And that’s good since it leads to persecutions where nobody can understand how I pick my victims. That intensifies the climate of fear in the Office. The higher the level of fear, the higher the production – that’s the secret of my success. The delegations love increasing production numbers since they are addicted to the cash.

Ah, I was having so much fun all month, right up to the end. And then, on the very last day came that idiotic judgment. I must get Klutzy to make an appointment for me with those idiotic judges in Geneva. I bet Frankie Boy has been bribing them to be mean to me. I need to get over there and offer them more than he is paying. Or maybe I’ll take my hunky body guards with me and explain what they can do if they get upset by people being mean to me. I could send them round to Frankie while we’re there. Oh, revenge will be sweet.

So, they think, those scumbag judges, that they have just rendered our Internal Appeal Committee retroactively null and void from the beginning of 2015. Hahahaha. Haven’t they heard of immunity, those fools? What are they going to do if I just ignore them, eh? Oh, this is going to be such fun. I can exploit the situation to my own advantage. After all, they’ve just dramatically increased our appeals backlog, haven’t they? So, I shall just have to be the decisive leader again and put measures in place to reduce the backlog. I shall call it “Early Certainty from Internal Appeals”. The only certainty will be that I refuse ALL of them. HAHAHA – je m’en fous – this is going to be so much fun. I shall prepare a Council document tomorrow, explaining how all internal appeals will be deemed refused. In fact, I shall make them retroactively refused so that the deadline has already expired for taking them to Geneva. I am such a genius. And all the staff can go on suffering.

Being president is so much fun. Je m’en fous. █

Summary: The latest cartoon making the rounds is about SLAPP and alleged bribery in Croatia (more on that soon)

Summary: How ‘democracy’ works in the EPO these days

Input from reader:

fyi: THE VOTE IN THE LAST BFC ON THE REMOVAL OF THE BoA TO HAAR

13 YES: MC, RO, CY, DK, LT, FI, LU, AL, BE, BG, LV, SE, HR;

8 NO: IT, CH, IE, NL, AT, PL, NO, FR;

15 ABSTENTIONS: ES, SM, SI, RS, GB, CZ, GR, MT, IS, PT, MK, HU, DE, EE, TR;

2 DID NOT ATTEND: SK, LI

[in case you did not have that info]

Summary: The latest cartoon in the series about the European Patent Office’s modus operandi

Summary: “The “spy cams in toilets” caricature is about 2½ years old,” we learned. “The same is true for the “STAFFSICHERHEITSMINISTERIUM” caricature.” (published here before) “Both are documents expressing the climate of fear which had been established in the Office,” explained the person who sent this to us

YouTube version

Transcript:

Fake TV interview with the fake President of the EPO, Benoît Hernandez

I’m the President

They call me Blatter, they think that’s clever and they think that I care

Well done, idiots, but let me tell you something

I do whatever the f*** I want

One way or another I’ll get my chinchillas at the Council to do what I tell them

I got myself total immunity

It’s great, isn’t it?

Seriously

I can even punish innocent people

F*** em!

And I do it all the time, even yesterday with that French dude, you should have seen that look on his face when he packed his things

I wrote an internal announcement and said “sniper” again

Some people actually believe all this bullshit and join FFPE afterwards

Some bloody idiots

They actually believe I ride a bicycle

Like I’m some friggin’ peasant

They don’t know I’m trying to get an EPO limo

You can’t make this s*** up

I can say anything I want

I lie several times a day and the media repeats the lies

Bloody bloody stupid media, they don’t even fact-check before publishing their s***

I got them by the balls

Some of them became media partners of the EPO

See, that’s the media, that’s how it operates

Throw some money at FTI Consulting and it’s done

My nose doesn’t even grow any longer

Imagine if they checked the facts

I’d look like a crook

Even Jesper would poke fun at me

He knows me, even my salary and my contractual increases

It’s massive!

Elodie signed it all off!

Even VP4′s

We told the chinchillas he’s awesome

And law-abiding despite all that c*** in Croatia

You should have seen what he did in Croatia to his staff, one person even committed suicide

And that’s actually funny?

Yes, I killed 5 in my Office

It doesn’t get any better than this

I’ve ruined entire families

You start with a disciplinary action

And they never know what’s gonna hit them?

I tell them perception of justice and all that nonsense about appeals and ILO

Little do they know I’ll be back with Sarkozy in my mid-seventies by the time ILO touches the darn thing

I actually find it very amusing

Did I tell you about my Willy?

He told Dutch television their High Court is rubbish

You should have seen Raimund, he wanted to hug him

Summary: The latest cartoon which is commentary about the working conditions at the European Patent Office (EPO)

Summary: Another cartoon about the sad state of the EPO

Summary: The latest EPO cartoon, this time about European qualifying examination (EQE)

Summary: A new cartoon about the so-called Social Conference of the EPO

Summary: The latest cartoon poking fun at the current situation at the EPO

Summary: Another new caricature regarding the President of the European Patent Office (EPO) and lack of effective oversight from the Administrative Council (European Patent Organisation)

Summary: The latest caricature regarding the President of the European Patent Office (EPO)

Summary: The latest cartoon regarding Battistelli’s European Patent Office

Summary: The latest widely-circulated cartoon about the so-called 'Bike Affair'

Summary: Cartoon about the highly controversial (and propagandistic) 'social study'

Summary: A new cartoon poking fun at Battistelli’s bicycles and the perceived threat these are under

There’s a new cartoon circulating again.

“Feel free to make use of it if you like,” the person who sent it to us wrote. It came with this comment: “VP4 [Topić] apparently hired additional security personnel to protect the prez’s bike (evidence attached).”

“There’s also the possibility that further crackdowns on staff (not only staff representatives) will be justified this way.”This is yet another example of scorn of the message from Željko Topić. The Mercedes symbol in the wheels is not a coincidence (alleged bribery) and the caricature, when zoomed in, shows “Made in Croatia” written across the bike.

People are not taking seriously the alleged incident, probably because they don’t trust a word that comes out of Topić’s mouth and they can foresee how it will be exploited to justify unbelievably expensive bodyguards (six of them!) for a man almost in his 70s and under no obvious threat (except perhaps his own chronic paranoia which goes a long way back). There’s also the possibility that further crackdowns on staff (not only staff representatives) will be justified this way. █

Publicado en Europe, Humor, Marketing, Patentes at 1:57 pm por el Dr. Roy Schestowitz

Sumario: Audi fragua una relación de 5-años de marketing y mutualmete-exclusivo contrato con la Oficina Europea de Patentes, prestando su nombre al altamente credible, respetable cuerpo internacional, donde la calidad es inquestionamblemente excepcional

APR 1 2016 [para immediata publicación bajo embargo hasta la fecha especificada] — MUNICH: Aprovechando el éxito de Volkswagen, FTI Consulting, la empresa de relaciones públicas de la EPO, ha anunciado con bombos y platillos el lanzamiento sin precedentes de una nueva campaña publicitaria de 5 años con el fin de mejorar la imagen ya perfecta y eternamente-inmaculada de la OEP. “Conduce tu Audi Home” es el título de esta emocionante campaña, que tendrá como objetivo las audiencias de televisión en los Países Bajos y Alemania. Con el lema memorable “usted es el jefe de” FTI Consulting espera que los clientes valoran un rápido crecimiento tanto moral y la confianzaa.

“Nuestras relaciones son excelentes.”
      –Alto Oficial de la EPOEsta campaña de marketing es parte de una campaña en curso, que se extenderá a más países a través de Europa en su debido momento, dependiendo de la demanda de medios y de la percepción del mercado de productos finos de la OEP. Se esfuerza por tomar ventaja de la pobre demanda de vehículos de Volkswagen, que a pesar de figuras fantásticas y bajas emisiones (según lo confirmado por la Revista Internacional del Automóvil, IAM) no ha logrado establecer un lugar para sí en cualquier lugar fuera de Alemania.

En una declaración preparada, dijo un no-nombrado oficial de la EPO, ¨la nueva campaña llena un vacío y mejorará la imagen de la EPO.¨Comentando en el meollo del lema, el oficial explicó: ¨Nunca ha habido mejor tiempo para comprar un Audi. Nuestras relaciones son excelentes. Nuestra productividad esta más arriba que cualquier momento. Puedes manejar tu Audi como un jefe a cualquier lugar de Europa, tan lejos como Francia al Oeste y Croacia al Este.¨ █