Bonum Certa Men Certa

Some of the USPTO's Most Ridiculous Patents Are Scrutinised by “Above the Law” While Dennis Crouch Attempts to Tarnish Alice



Whereas Charles Duan (below) compares patents to monopolies

Charles DuanSummary: Controversies over patent scope and level of novelty required for a patent; as usual, public interest groups try to restrict patent scope, whereas those who make money out of abundance of patents attempt to remove every barrier

THE declining quality of European Patents (EPs) is a real issue at the EPO. But that pales in comparison to some of the patents granted by the US patent office. USPTO patents include a method of swinging a swing, for example. Sideways. Yes, it's a patent!



"Ever tried swinging from side to side on a swing instead of back & forth? Turns out, that method is patented," United for Patent Reform wrote, linking to this article from earlier this month. It's a pretty infamous patent which we mentioned here before.

"There's also a patent for the "comb-over"," one person reminded me today. This too we mentioned here a very long time ago.

From the article at “Above the Law”:

The United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) has granted some pretty ridiculous patents over the years. It makes me wonder about the quality of patents they’re not granting. If you’re interested in patent policy, you should really read the Electronic Frontier Foundation’s (EFF) “Stupid Patent of the Month” column (EFF actually has the Mark Cuban Endowed Chair to Eliminate Stupid Patents), which is exactly what it describes itself to be: an incredible collection of outrageous, low-quality, obvious claims that USPTO somehow deemed worthy of monopoly protection. While some of these have since been revoked or overturned, just remember that they were once granted. Note that the Supreme Court in recent years has—often unanimously—overturned several patents, clarifying patentability criteria, which should impact the number of stupid patents being granted. And, I note that the collection of ridiculous patents below does not include items that actually meet patentability thresholds, but are just crazy ideas; instead, they cover things that probably should never have been granted a patent to begin with.



How about the other picks from the EFF?

"Unfortunately, the negligent USPTO will issue patents to people like this. Here's one on a mundane training regime," the EFF's Daniel Nazer wrote about this patent and there's more in Twitter (in this thread, for context).

Why did the examiners at the USPTO accept these applications and how did that slip through the system without adequate safeguards? This is why things like PTAB (to be covered separately) are required.

Earlier today we also stumbled upon this truly ridiculous article from the National Law Review. It wants us to think of methods as objects and the headline is a loaded question: "Why Can’t A Method Be Sold, Just Like Any Other Invention?"

U.S. Patent and Trademark Office guidelines do not currently allow patentees to directly claim software inventions, thereby encouraging use of other claim types such as method claims. As a result, the patent office has issued many patents with method claims directed to software inventions. But patentees who rely on method claims to protect their software inventions — and indeed all patentees with method claims — face a significant obstacle that has been imposed by the Federal Circuit.

Specifically, the Federal Circuit has held for purposes of infringement that method inventions are not considered made or sold even if they are necessarily used by or embodied in products that are made or sold. This has the effective result of helping infringers to exploit patented method inventions by selling products that make use of the invention — even in ordinary and expected usage of the product — while evading legitimate attempts by the patentee to remedy the infringement. Below, we suggest that the Federal Circuit’s position is incorrect and unnecessarily hampers protection and enforcement of method inventions, disproportionately affecting software. The Federal Circuit should change course and clarify that methods can be sold just like any other invention in certain circumstances.



The first paragraph says "software inventions" three times. It's obvious that people who never developed software can't quite grasp that programming isn't "invention".

We assume that many law professors still deliberately misunderstand software development and incidentally, there's this new article today about Judge William H. Alsup of the northern district of California learning how to code in order to better understand the Oracle v Google case (copyrights and patents).

Earlier today Dennis Crouch wrote about the Federal Circuit, claiming that on Alice the "Turnstile Keeps Spinning" even though nowadays (this year) the court almost always invalidates software patents. It's becoming more consistent over time, but to lobbyists like Crouch (promoting patent maximalists' and trolls' agenda) it's a "Turnstile", apparently. To quote:

In a split opinion, the Federal Circuit has affirmed the district court’s judgment on the pleadings – R. 12(c) – that the asserted claims of SSI’s four patents are invalid under Section 101 for claiming an abstract idea. U.S. Patent Nos. 7,566,003, 7,568,617, 8,505,816, and 8,662,390. (Claim 14 of the ‘003 patent – covering a method for validating entry to a city bus or train – is reproduced below).

[...]

As the Supreme Court has done in its 101 analysis, Judge Linn linked his work back to cases such as Le Roy, Mackay, and Funk Bros. The language of those cases focus on “fundamental truths” and “hitherto unknown phenomenon of nature.” In Benson and Alice, the court also explained “Phenomena of nature, though just discovered, mental processes, and abstract intellectual concepts are not patentable, as they are the basic tools of scientific and technological work.”

For Judge Linn, a method of charging a bank-card at a bus-turnstile does not fit into those expansive definitions.

Judge Linn’s opinion recognizes that his concern directly stems from the Supreme Court’s approach in Alice and Mayo. He writes: “The problem with this test, however, is that it is indeterminate and often leads to arbitrary results.” His solution is that the two part test should not be “applied in a legal vacuum divorced from its genesis” and the three exceptions should be treated consistently. Patents should not be struck down simply because they “seemingly fail the Supreme Court’s test.” Rather, the focus should be on whether the patents “attempt to appropriate a basic building block of scientific or technological work.”

The solution for Judge Linn: Focus on the language of the claims and each limitation when determining whether a claim is directed to an abstract idea – “a basic building block of scientific or technological activity” or instead to a “tangible application” that serves a “new and useful end.”


Crouch is hoping to scandalise Alice like he does PTAB. Earlier this year it became ever more evident that Crouch is more like an activist (for trolls) than a scholar. He's no longer good at concealing it. Earlier today he published a guest post by Charles Duan of Public Knowledge. This, for a change, gave an illusion of balance, comparing patents to monopolies:

Are Patents Monopolies? It Depends on the Relevant Century



The question of whether patents are monopolies is one of ongoing debate. But an important aspect of that debate is the correct meaning of the word “monopoly.” A change in the word’s meaning over the last few centuries can explain at least some of the differing opinions on the question.

Today, the word “monopoly” refers to a concentration of economic market power in a single firm or entity. But up through the early 19th century, that was not the accepted definition. In that time period, a monopoly was a government grant of an exclusive right, more akin to a franchise or government contract.


As we showed earlier this year, Crouch keeps misleading the readers about what patents are. He uses the language of patent maximalists.

Recent Techrights' Posts

Nadella's Mindless PR Spam Ahead of the Layoffs 'Snowball' (Adding Up Batches) Turning Into an Avalanche
Based on recent observations, the more puff pieces we see about Nadella, the closer we get to Microsoft "pulling the trigger" on mass layoffs
When Happens to Red Hat If (or When) IBM Collapses
IBM is in flux because its CFO is now implicated in what seems like accounting fraud
With an IBM Company Down Over 75% After Apparent Accounting Fraud the IBM Insiders Want Answers From James Krabanaugh
He has no technical qualifications
A "horrible week (hebdomada horribilis?) for the Solicitors Regulation Authority" (SRA)
The SRA is part of the SLAPP problem
EPO's Central Staff Committee (CSC) on EPO Social Dialogue
They've refrained from mentioning the industrial actions
The Register MS is Promoting Ponzi Scheme for Financial Fraud/Accounting Fraud Company, The Register MS Gets Paid to Do This
Published 6 hours ago
IBM's Kyndryl Managed to Fall to Less Than a Quarter of Its Past Year's High
Imagine IBM falling to $75
Links 10/02/2026: Media Freedom Feels Dead in Hong Kong and Grammys, Superbowl Becoming Politics
Links for the day
IBM RAs (or PIPs) in London, England?
They try to keep the lid on it
The Solicitors Regulation Authority (SRA) Delusion - Part IV - Machos in Charge of the House (and System), Even If the Faces Are Female (Optics)
basically a Windows/Microsoft (US) shop
 
Amended Input From Software Freedom Institute for EU Consultation on Free Software
"On 3 February 2026 Software Freedom Institute lodged a submission with the European Commission's inquiry into Open Digital Ecosystems"
Mobbing at the European Patent Office (EPO) - Part VI - Attacks on Staff and Attacks on the Law Merit Another New Series
new series coming shortly
IBM's Financial Engineering (Accounting Fraud) Shell, Kyndryl Holdings Inc, is Insolvent
If this was done by the very same people who still run IBM, can we expect any better from "Sugar Daddy" IBM?
2026 a Very Productive Year and We Have Many Big Stories to Tell
maybe we'll produce 8,000 new articles/pages by year's end
Clownflare is in Trouble as Its Debt More Than Doubled in Less Than a Year, Expect Further Enshittification
Clownflare isn't free
After the Next Wave of Microsoft Layoffs Washington State Could be #1 for US Layoffs
Microsoft Corp shares were down yesterday
EPO's Local Staff Committee The Hague (LSCTH): The EPO is Generally “Managed by Excel” (Microsoft)
The current management has basically defined corruption to be "success"
Over at Tux Machines...
GNU/Linux news for the past day
IRC Proceedings: Tuesday, February 10, 2026
IRC logs for Tuesday, February 10, 2026
Google Still Helping the Slop Pyramid Scheme, Encouraging Plagiarism Too
Google is a plagiarism company and it wants public solidarity for plagiarism by LLMs
Gemini Links 10/02/2026: "The Luminous Dead", Matrix, and Containers
Links for the day
Kyndryl CFO Harsh Chugh Comes From IBM (17+ Years)
Who would want such a position?
International Buybacks Machines
Will the current US administration/regime look into IBM's accounting or only its mini me's?
IBM Could be the Next Kyndryl, a Dinosaur With Accounting Fraud
Many shareholders (or even pension funds) are taking a big hit today
Ian Murdock Died in San Francisco 10 Years Ago. Cops Led to His Death.
10 years ago Ian Murdock died after cops had messed him up
US/Europe divergence: health & safety, criminality & Debian harassment culture: Open Digital Ecosystems submission F33370170
Reprinted with permission from Daniel Pocock
Links 10/02/2026: Splinternets and "Meta Goes to Trial in a New Mexico Child Safety Case"
Links for the day
Russia and China Best Off Without GAFAM
What if they abandoned GAFAM?
Will Finns Put Out the Online Cigarettes?
More people recognise that the child porn site formerly known as "Twitter" and Cheeto/Pooh-tin controlled TikTok are no longer trustworthy
As the US Economy Sags Microsoft Layoffs Carry on (Now in Larger Waves Like 15,000 Per Season or 30,000+ Per Year)
They try to avoid "negative" topics
GNU/Linux at 3.99% in Australia
now that Australians can no longer keep Vista 10
Microsoft Windows Falling
analytics.usa.gov Shows Rapid Erosion of Windows Market Share Since 'End of 10' (Vista 10)
Microsoft Windows Hits All-Time Low in The Netherlands in 2026
Europe needs to rid itself or wean itself off GAFAM
SRA: SLAPPs From Russian War Criminals and American Men Who Strangle Women Are Acceptable
The SRA, by inaction, is complicit in this
From Weber Shandwick (Microsoft PR) to Brett Wilson LLP (Hired Gun of the Serial Strangler of Microsoft)
they basically tried to charge me a lot of money for a PR project of someone who strangled women
The Solicitors Regulation Authority (SRA) is Not a Regulator, It's Part of the Litigation "Industry" in the UK (They Overlap Each Other)
Does nothing except talk about SLAPPs
Brett Wilson LLP Seems to Have Done for Roberto Foa What It Did a Year Earlier for the Serial Strangler from Microsoft
Repeat abusers (of the legal system) will misuse it as long as regulators do nothing
In Finland, Microsoft Falls Behind Yandex (Russia)
Bing has had many layoffs in recent years
Security More Advanced in Geminispace Than on the Web (Bloat)
For real security, use Geminispace capsules, not Web sites
Slop at Microsoft is a Miserable Failure, Now Microsoft Takes the "Vista Route" (Paying People to Say Good Things About It)
This is brainwash, it's meant to delay the implosion of the bubble
Rumours About February 2026 Microsoft Layoffs: Silent Layoffs or 30,000 Culled Tomorrow
Sooner or later (and soon) Microsoft will need to say something and file some WARN notifications
GNU/Linux at 12% in Guam, Based on statCounter (Compared to 2-3% a Year Ago)
Guam's "uptick" in GNU/Linux usage started weeks after "end of 10"
Where We Stand With the Winter Series
We'll need to protect names and sources
Fighting Slop With the Public Domain (and Why Slopfarms Perish Faster Than New Ones Appear)
We can combat the nonsense by producing more human-made works until the slop bubble implodes
After Employee Reviews at IBM Staff Expects Another Large Wave of PIPs and "RAs" (Layoffs)
From what we can see in the "public Web"
Gemini Links 10/02/2026: "The Last Messiah", Discord for Adults
Links for the day
Over at Tux Machines...
GNU/Linux news for the past day
IRC Proceedings: Monday, February 09, 2026
IRC logs for Monday, February 09, 2026
Is Europe Abandoning Digital Opium?
GAFAM-controlled social control media
Mobbing at the European Patent Office (EPO) - Part V - Strongest Strike Under António Campinos
SUEPO Munich is also reminding people of the threat of PIPs
Microslop is Slop, Slop is Considered "Quality"
no wonder Microsoft's stuff breaks down so often
thelayoff.com Deletes On-Topic Discussions (Layoffs) While Leaving in Tact Pro-Corporate Trolling Made by LLMs (Slop)
Who at thelayoff.com deems spam made by LLMs (slop) to be on-topic and unworthy of zapping, whereas actually on-topic and authentic threads get routinely deleted?
Gemini Links 09/02/2026: Great Salt Lake Ecological Observatory and Offpunk 3.0 "A Community is Born" Release
Links for the day
Links 09/02/2026: Mass Plagiarism and Pollution/FakeCoin Company Nvidia Contacted Anna’s Archives, Narges Mohammadi Gets Second Prison Sentence
Links for the day
GNU/Linux May Have Grown to 7% in Equatorial Guinea
Has there been some kind of mass migration there or is this just noise in the data?
Links 09/02/2026: Russia Intentionally Killing Civilians, Jimmy Lai Effectively Sentenced for Life for Publishing News
Links for the day
Microsoft Competitions, Addictions, and Popularity Contests Are Not Going to Help Perl, They'll Waste Everybody's Time and Give Microsoft More Control Over Its Competition
Microsoft does not like Perl
A Can of WORMS - Part IV - They Would Even Attack RMS for Criticising Autocrats (Saying This is "Politics")
Conforming to society's perceived expectations isn't how effective activism can ever be done or was ever done in the recent past
Gemini Links 09/02/2026: The Exploration Myth and Making JavaScript Fun
Links for the day
EPO Outrage and Maintaining the Pressure
A vending machine does not fall over after a first push
Over at Tux Machines...
GNU/Linux news for the past day
IRC Proceedings: Sunday, February 08, 2026
IRC logs for Sunday, February 08, 2026
"Low Performer" and "Underperformer" as Harmful Misnomers That Damage a Company's Reputation
Misnomers need to be avoided or called out