LONDON, England – August 18, 2011 UTC - Royal Dutch Shell Group, an internationality-known Big Polluter (BP), has purchased Apple's product line of trademarks. Apple, a company that specialises in creating a culture around commodity-but-overpriced products, will complement Royal Dutch Shell Group in the most desired areas.

"Blind faith from the public is always what we sought," explained Ollie Black, the Chief Executive Officer of Royal Dutch Shell Group. "With the purchase of Apple's logos and names," he relented, "people will no longer judge us by our actual behaviour."

"Royal Dutch Shell is a splendid example of innovation in the field of dilution and shipping," wrote the CNN hours before the official announcement, which brought 5,000-10,000 people out to the streets of London where they queued up to take a glimpse at Mr. Black signing the deal. "Royal Dutch Shell makes the best oil you can conceivably get," contented one of the adolescents who queued up for 40 hours, according to a report from the independent magazine, AppleUniverse. In the press conference, Black assured the audience that choice will not be available. The product will be available in one colour, black, and confusion will be eliminated by ensuring there is only one single product for the purpose. The audience reacted enthusiastically with a round of standing ovations. "This is what makes Royal Dutch Shell so brilliant," explained one of the attendants, miss Bott, only minutes after the ceremony had ended. "This is the brilliance of it, we no longer ever have to choose. Did you see the new logo? Who would have thought of a piece of fruit? I love it!"

“With the purchase of Apple's logos and names people will no longer judge us by our actual behaviour.”
      --Ollie BlackThe acquisition of trademarks from Apple comes only weeks after rumours that Royal Dutch Shell would seek to issue an injunction against BP's import of "black stuff," to use the words of Royal Dutch Shell's Vice President of legal affairs. In an interview with MSNBC, a GE company masquerading as a news avenue, he strongly denied allegations that he had colluded with Exxon to raise the price of oil.

Mr. Black has assured reporters that Royal Dutch Shell will continue with its current practices, which are, to use his words, "magical." The innovative product of Royal Dutch Shell will continue to be available to the public under its old banner, "Shell", however reporters are strongly encouraged to refer to the company as Apple. Analysts have re-raised speculations that Royal Dutch Shell might go after Carl Icahn next, forcing him to change his surname or face shutdown. "This is perfectly decent and the right thing for Royal Dutch Shell to do," explained to us a Royal Dutch Shell fan outside the Black Shop, "because if Mr. Black says Icahn is a trademark violation, then I trust him."

Critics of the deal allege that it is being used by Royal Dutch Shell to attract gullible and impressionable young men who will pretend that oil spills are beneficial to the environment and that Royal Dutch Shell's products -- even though they come from the very same source as the competition's -- are by merit of their own branding "superior".

Starting September 5^th, Royal Dutch Shell will broadcast and officially launch a new marketing campaign, whose motto will be, "I'm an Apple/Shell, and I'm just oil". ⬆