Bonum Certa Men Certa

Parody: Royal Dutch Shell Group Acquires Apple Trademarks for $135 Billion

iLeak

LONDON, England – August 18, 2011 UTC - Royal Dutch Shell Group, an internationality-known Big Polluter (BP), has purchased Apple's product line of trademarks. Apple, a company that specialises in creating a culture around commodity-but-overpriced products, will complement Royal Dutch Shell Group in the most desired areas.



"Blind faith from the public is always what we sought," explained Ollie Black, the Chief Executive Officer of Royal Dutch Shell Group. "With the purchase of Apple's logos and names," he relented, "people will no longer judge us by our actual behaviour."

"Royal Dutch Shell is a splendid example of innovation in the field of dilution and shipping," wrote the CNN hours before the official announcement, which brought 5,000-10,000 people out to the streets of London where they queued up to take a glimpse at Mr. Black signing the deal. "Royal Dutch Shell makes the best oil you can conceivably get," contented one of the adolescents who queued up for 40 hours, according to a report from the independent magazine, AppleUniverse. In the press conference, Black assured the audience that choice will not be available. The product will be available in one colour, black, and confusion will be eliminated by ensuring there is only one single product for the purpose. The audience reacted enthusiastically with a round of standing ovations. "This is what makes Royal Dutch Shell so brilliant," explained one of the attendants, miss Bott, only minutes after the ceremony had ended. "This is the brilliance of it, we no longer ever have to choose. Did you see the new logo? Who would have thought of a piece of fruit? I love it!"

“With the purchase of Apple's logos and names people will no longer judge us by our actual behaviour.”
      --Ollie Black
The acquisition of trademarks from Apple comes only weeks after rumours that Royal Dutch Shell would seek to issue an injunction against BP's import of "black stuff," to use the words of Royal Dutch Shell's Vice President of legal affairs. In an interview with MSNBC, a GE company masquerading as a news avenue, he strongly denied allegations that he had colluded with Exxon to raise the price of oil.

Mr. Black has assured reporters that Royal Dutch Shell will continue with its current practices, which are, to use his words, "magical." The innovative product of Royal Dutch Shell will continue to be available to the public under its old banner, "Shell", however reporters are strongly encouraged to refer to the company as Apple. Analysts have re-raised speculations that Royal Dutch Shell might go after Carl Icahn next, forcing him to change his surname or face shutdown. "This is perfectly decent and the right thing for Royal Dutch Shell to do," explained to us a Royal Dutch Shell fan outside the Black Shop, "because if Mr. Black says Icahn is a trademark violation, then I trust him."

Critics of the deal allege that it is being used by Royal Dutch Shell to attract gullible and impressionable young men who will pretend that oil spills are beneficial to the environment and that Royal Dutch Shell's products -- even though they come from the very same source as the competition's -- are by merit of their own branding "superior".

Starting September 5th, Royal Dutch Shell will broadcast and officially launch a new marketing campaign, whose motto will be, "I'm an Apple/Shell, and I'm just oil".

Recent Techrights' Posts

Confirmed in the Mainstream Media: A Lot of Microsoft "Workloads" Were Just LLM Slop (Helping to Fake Growth for Years, as Microsoft Had Paid "Open" "AI" to Become a "Client") and Demand is Rapidly Waning, Datacentres Canceled and/or Shut Down
Anything to facilitate further accounting fraud
Taiwan's Media Covers Closure of Microsoft's "AI" Lab, It's Time to Talk About the Gradual Death of Windows and Implosion of the "AI" Bubble
Earlier this week we showed that mostly Asian media had the 'nerve' to mention Microsoft silently shutting down its 'AI' lab
More Gains for GNU/Linux, Based on Web Surveys
the Steam site shows rapid growth for "Linux" this month
 
StatCounter: Microsoft is Masking a Disaster, It's Way Behind DeepSeek Already and Interest in LLMs Has Waned
it turns out the money "raised" for "Open" "AI" may not even exist at all
Links 03/04/2025: SoftBank Money for Microsoft "Open" "AI" Probably Doesn't Even Exist, Wikimedia Foundation Blasts LLM Nuisance While Microsoft Admits Demand Has Shrunk
Links for the day
Gemini Links 03/04/2025: Patch Panel and Pictures
Links for the day
Islamic Republic of Iran: GNU/Linux at All-time High This Month, Windows Falls to 12%
Vista 10 is up this month despite being "end of life" (EoL) soon
Indonesia: All-Time Highs for GNU/Linux
What's noteworthy right now is the growth of GNU/Linux
statCounter Says GNU/Linux Usage is Up Again (Internationally)
some preliminary April data
Only on April 1st Can the Free Software Foundation Associate With Microsoft's Open Source Initiative (OSI)
We saw some pranks that day linking the FSF to Microsoft (e.g. "endorsing" Windows)
IBM Gets Rid of Kelly Chambliss as Mass Layoffs Reported in IBM Consulting, IBM Loses Key Contracts/Graft
IBM Consulting has been in disarray lately
Slopwatch: Anti-Linux Articles, Not Even Written by Humans
Why aren't Web sites more vocal about this problem?
Over at Tux Machines...
GNU/Linux news for the past day
IRC Proceedings: Wednesday, April 02, 2025
IRC logs for Wednesday, April 02, 2025
Links 03/04/2025: Apple Fined Over Secret Surveillance, "Elegant Writer For A More Civilized Age"
Links for the day
Gemini Links 02/04/2025: Books and Cold Tea
Links for the day
Links 02/04/2025: More Layoffs, Nokia Again Takes Advantage of Illegal and Unconstitutional Patent Court With Nokia Staff as 'Judges'
Links for the day
Links 02/04/2025: Seizures and Returns to Windows of 24 Years Ago
Links for the day
LLM Slop Helps Obscure and Distort News About Layoffs (IBM, GAFAM)
It's hard to find accurate information
Links 02/04/2025: Microsoft Developers Are Threatening to Go on Strike, World Backup Day Noted
Links for the day
Gemini Protocol Has Growing Appeal (the Web Got Too Bloated and Full of LLM Slop)
For any "data plan" with bandwidth limits or "tiers" it would be cheaper to use/browse Geminispace
The Web Can Survive LLM Slop, But Only If We Collectively Shun and Discourage Serial Sloppers
Doing nothing ought not be a possibility
Amid Secret Shut-downs and Mass Layoffs at Microsoft (4 Waves of Layoffs in 3 Months of 2025) Some Microsoft Staff Expected to Go On Strike
workers going on strike
Gemini Links 02/04/2025: No more on Mastodon and Gemini Mention Script in Go
Links for the day
Over at Tux Machines...
GNU/Linux news for the past day
IRC Proceedings: Tuesday, April 01, 2025
IRC logs for Tuesday, April 01, 2025
My Motion Disbarring or “Striking Off” Brett Wilson LLP for Enabling Violent Americans Who Try to Crush Microsoft Critics in the United Kingdom by Multiple SLAPPs
"Guns for hire" (for Microsoft people who received Microsoft salaries)
The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office Hijacked Again by Patent Litigation Industry, as President Cheeto Prioritises Aggressors
The "mafia" has taken over the "industry" and the Federal system (justice and constitutions trampled upon)
Ubuntu Slop and FUD Manufactured With LLMs and Funded (by Oneself) 'Studies'
Slop and FUD are ruining the Web
Gemini Links 01/04/2025: Games and More
Links for the day
Links 01/04/2025: Apple Fined $162M for Privacy Abuses, Disinformation Online a Growing Concern
Links for the day
Why We're Reporting Brett Wilson LLP for Apparently Misusing Their Licence to Protect American Microsofters Who Attack Women
For those who have not been keeping abreast
Newer Press Reports Confirm That Microsoft Shuts Down 'Hey Hi' (AI) Labs Despite All the Hype
The "hey hi" (AI) bubble is not sustainable
Links 01/04/2025: Mass Layoffs at Eidos and "Microsoft Pulls Back on Data Centers" (Demand Lacking); "Racist and Sexist" Slop From Microsoft
Links for the day
Stefano Maffulli and His Microsoft-Funded OSI Staff Are Killing the OSI and Killing "Open Source" (All for Money!)
This is far from over
Gemini Links 01/04/2025: XKCDpunk and worldclock.py
Links for the day
50 Years of Sabotage and a Gut Punch to Computer Science (and Science in General)
Will we get back to science-based computing rather than cult-like following?
Techrights Headlines as Semaphore
"If you are hearing this, thank you"
3 Months in 2025, 4 Waves of Mass Layoffs at Microsoft, Now Offices Shut Down Permanently
"A recent visit by the South China Morning Post confirmed that the office was dark, unoccupied, and had its logo removed."
Over at Tux Machines...
GNU/Linux news for the past day
IRC Proceedings: Monday, March 31, 2025
IRC logs for Monday, March 31, 2025