12.12.16
Caricature: The European Patent Office Finds Quick Fix for ILO
Summary: The reality of justice with jurors under Team Battistelli’s furor
12.05.16
Caricature: the Maas App
Summary: The failure of Maas to even bother with regulation of Battistelli (among others) earns him this cartoon
12.01.16
A Day in the Life of… Battistelli’s Banana Republic
Summary: This is part 5 of a fictional diary from the EPO
November 2016 was looking so good right up to the end. And then came those stupid, stupid judgments from the ILO.
A man of my greatness doesn’t deserve such humiliations. I’ve had a fabulous year. A few morons in the Administrative Council thought they would stand up to me. Well, they soon realised how hopeless their efforts were when all my friends stood shoulder to shoulder with me and pressed the right buttons when it came to the vote. When I say “friends”, I mean it in the political sense, of course. It’s not as though they had any choice. I made it quite clear to them what would happen to their “co-operation” money if they pressed the wrong button.
Once I’d taken care of those hopeless revolutionaries in the Council, I was free to get back to my favourite pastime – bullying staff reps. I’ve made it so easy for myself with all the changes I’ve introduced, almost too easy. It’s like a cat playing with a half-dead mouse. But hey, it’s still fun watching them suffer. I just loved signing that decision to fire Prunier. Not only did I feel a great surge of satisfaction at his pain, but I was also sticking up my middle finger to the clowns in the Council. It was wonderful.
Being unfair to others is part of my nature. It’s a real pleasure to me. Of course, there is nothing like a bit of competition to add some spice and some extra motivation to my evilness. And that is why I like Frankie Boy in Geneva so much. We have a private bet on who can get away with the biggest and most obvious crimes and violations of the rights of others, without getting fired or ending up in jail.
It is not really the challenge, though, that I would like it to be. Firstly, because Frankie foolishly agreed that Lutz the Klutz could be the judge deciding who wins. Secondly, because I am well ahead in the race. Sure, I never ordered to take DNA samples to identify a wrongdoer, and I am a bit jealous that I didn’t think of it first. But, let’s face it, I don’t need scientific gimmicks to catch the scum I want to get rid of. I know myself who’s guilty: the people I dislike. I simply give Elodie their names, she tells the Investigation Unit what they have to do, and they do it. Any kind of garbage is enough, since I am the judge anyway. And – thanks to my immunity – I am clearly a truly independent judge. That gives me the moral authority to explain to the public why the accused is guilty as sin. The public then sees me as a benevolent, loving leader, and admires my leniency in the softness of the punishment I impose.
If it weren’t for Frankie Boy, I’d like to call my system the EPO Kangaroo Court but that would almost sound like I was honouring him and his silly upside-down nationality. Anyhow, whatever you call my clever legal system, thanks to the fact that I can determine myself whether and how to apply the ECHR, all legal requirements are met. That’s at least what I tell my buddy Joff and the Council. They believe everything.
It sometimes happens that Elodie adds a few more names to the list. As in the case of Weaver and Brumme. And that’s good since it leads to persecutions where nobody can understand how I pick my victims. That intensifies the climate of fear in the Office. The higher the level of fear, the higher the production – that’s the secret of my success. The delegations love increasing production numbers since they are addicted to the cash.
Ah, I was having so much fun all month, right up to the end. And then, on the very last day came that idiotic judgment. I must get Klutzy to make an appointment for me with those idiotic judges in Geneva. I bet Frankie Boy has been bribing them to be mean to me. I need to get over there and offer them more than he is paying. Or maybe I’ll take my hunky body guards with me and explain what they can do if they get upset by people being mean to me. I could send them round to Frankie while we’re there. Oh, revenge will be sweet.
So, they think, those scumbag judges, that they have just rendered our Internal Appeal Committee retroactively null and void from the beginning of 2015. Hahahaha. Haven’t they heard of immunity, those fools? What are they going to do if I just ignore them, eh? Oh, this is going to be such fun. I can exploit the situation to my own advantage. After all, they’ve just dramatically increased our appeals backlog, haven’t they? So, I shall just have to be the decisive leader again and put measures in place to reduce the backlog. I shall call it “Early Certainty from Internal Appeals”. The only certainty will be that I refuse ALL of them. HAHAHA – je m’en fous – this is going to be so much fun. I shall prepare a Council document tomorrow, explaining how all internal appeals will be deemed refused. In fact, I shall make them retroactively refused so that the deadline has already expired for taking them to Geneva. I am such a genius. And all the staff can go on suffering.
Being president is so much fun. Je m’en fous. █
11.28.16
EPO Caricature: Slowing Down Justice and Giving Luxury Cars as Gifts
Summary: The latest cartoon making the rounds is about SLAPP and alleged bribery in Croatia (more on that soon)
11.23.16
Caricature: EPO ‘Voting’ When All Votes Are Equal Irrespective of Country’s Size
Summary: How ‘democracy’ works in the EPO these days
Input from reader:
fyi: THE VOTE IN THE LAST BFC ON THE REMOVAL OF THE BoA TO HAAR
13 YES: MC, RO, CY, DK, LT, FI, LU, AL, BE, BG, LV, SE, HR;
8 NO: IT, CH, IE, NL, AT, PL, NO, FR;
15 ABSTENTIONS: ES, SM, SI, RS, GB, CZ, GR, MT, IS, PT, MK, HU, DE, EE, TR;
2 DID NOT ATTEND: SK, LI
[in case you did not have that info]
11.13.16
EPO Caricature: Fabricating Evidence
Summary: The latest cartoon in the series about the European Patent Office’s modus operandi
11.08.16
EPO I.U. Cartoon Highlights the Way EPO Staff Feels About the Management Under Battistelli
Summary: “The “spy cams in toilets” caricature is about 2½ years old,” we learned. “The same is true for the “STAFFSICHERHEITSMINISTERIUM” caricature.” (published here before) “Both are documents expressing the climate of fear which had been established in the Office,” explained the person who sent this to us
11.05.16
EPO President Benoît Hernandez About the Social Atmosphere and Life’s Great Joys
Summary: A show I just caught on TV…
Transcript:
Fake TV interview with the fake President of the EPO, Benoît Hernandez
I’m the President
They call me Blatter, they think that’s clever and they think that I care
Well done, idiots, but let me tell you something
I do whatever the f*** I want
One way or another I’ll get my chinchillas at the Council to do what I tell them
I got myself total immunity
It’s great, isn’t it?
Seriously
I can even punish innocent people
F*** em!
And I do it all the time, even yesterday with that French dude, you should have seen that look on his face when he packed his things
I wrote an internal announcement and said “sniper” again
Some people actually believe all this bullshit and join FFPE afterwards
Some bloody idiots
They actually believe I ride a bicycle
Like I’m some friggin’ peasant
They don’t know I’m trying to get an EPO limo
You can’t make this s*** up
I can say anything I want
I lie several times a day and the media repeats the lies
Bloody bloody stupid media, they don’t even fact-check before publishing their s***
I got them by the balls
Some of them became media partners of the EPO
See, that’s the media, that’s how it operates
Throw some money at FTI Consulting and it’s done
My nose doesn’t even grow any longer
Imagine if they checked the facts
I’d look like a crook
Even Jesper would poke fun at me
He knows me, even my salary and my contractual increases
It’s massive!
Elodie signed it all off!
Even VP4′s
We told the chinchillas he’s awesome
And law-abiding despite all that c*** in Croatia
You should have seen what he did in Croatia to his staff, one person even committed suicide
And that’s actually funny?
Yes, I killed 5 in my Office
It doesn’t get any better than this
I’ve ruined entire families
You start with a disciplinary action
And they never know what’s gonna hit them?
I tell them perception of justice and all that nonsense about appeals and ILO
Little do they know I’ll be back with Sarkozy in my mid-seventies by the time ILO touches the darn thing
I actually find it very amusing
Did I tell you about my Willy?
He told Dutch television their High Court is rubbish
You should have seen Raimund, he wanted to hug him
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